Six Feet Deep Throat

Linda Lovelace, a porn actress famous for her performance of deep throat fellatio in the enormously successful 1972 hardcore porn film Deep Throat, has died. Her body of work also included the 1971 bestiality flick Dog Fucker/Dogarama. Details are sketchy right now but, early indications are that...

Wait, what?

It was some old guy?

Damnit. Let's try this again.


W. Mark Felt, who to my knowledge has never appeared in a pornographic film or performed fellatio on a man, has died. The No. 2 official at the F.B.I. when he helped bring down President Nixon by resisting the Watergate cover-up, he was famously known by only the moniker "Deep Throat" to conceal his identity. The term was an allusion to the 1972 film of the same name. Which he was not in. But probably enjoyed. He was 95.

Anonymous sources clued Deady Money in on Felt's impending demise. Deady Money insists that 5 points is the national average, and not small at all.

Turning the Last Page

Bettie Page, a legendary pinup girl whose photographs in the nude, in bondage and in naughty-but-nice poses appeared in men's magazines and private stashes across America in the 1950s and set the stage for the sexual revolution of the rebellious '60s, has died. She was 85.

Morrigan attempts to tie up some of the competition by earning 15 points, hoping to pin-up the winnings when it's all over.

Dead Hand Luke

Paul Newman, the legendary movie star, irreverent cultural icon, and only successful thing to come out of Shaker Heights, Ohio, has died. He was 83.

The Oracle will probably celebrate with a light salad, some pasta, and a bowl of popcorn, and hope that the 17 points earned will, in the end, reveal the color of money.

Samuel L. Jackson's Demise to Complete Karmic Cleansing of "Soul Men" Deaths

Bernie Mac died of "pneumonia" on Saturday morning. Isaac Hayes keeled over of an apparent "heart attack" on Sunday. Samuel L. Jackson knows better. Fueled by an unshakable paranoia that he developed while shooting "Snakes on a Plane," Jackson knows that his death will come on Monday, August 11th.

Mac, Hayes and Jackson all star together in the upcoming abysmally bad movie "Soul Men," which is why, Jackson claims, they have all been marked for death.

"It's kinda like that 'Final Destination' bullshit," Jackson said while nervously pulling on a twitching cigarette and scanning the room, "I know that fuckin' reaper is coming, and there ain't nothin' I can do to stop it! I shoulda listened when my agent told me not to do this shitty movie with these guys. I figured a Razzie nomination or two, but not a complete Karmic Retribution."

None of the DW2K8ers have any of the trio of Soul Men, even the still-alive-for-now Jackson. Hundreds of points go unclaimed, and speculation as to why Steven Segal, Yahoo Serious and Frank Stallone are still alive continues.

Golden Girls Curse Kicks into High Gear

Well, I think we all saw this coming. Everyone always said the 80s sitcom The Golden Girls was cursed. And now the lead actresses are starting to--you should pardon the split infinitive--mysteriously die off.

Estelle Getty, the 84-year-old actress who played Sophia on the long-running NBC program, was the only first to die.

Rumors of a curse on the show came to the surface when the program was canceled after only its seventh season! The curse might have come because the show was shot on a sound-stage that sat atop an ancient Indian burial ground. Or maybe one of the producers opened an ancient Egyptian tomb. Both of which are pretty good explanations of where they might have found Bea Arthur.

Anyway, one Golden Girl is dead. Who will be next?

Three DW2K8ers backed the right horse (by horse, we mean Dead Golden Girl) and scored themselves a tidy 16 points.

Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot! DIE!

Picture it: Los Angeles, 2008...Lovable comedic actress Estelle Getty has passed away at the age of 84 due to some weird dementia thing that sounds made up.

Famous for her role as the elderly Sophia on the "my mom's watching it right now" series, Golden Girls, Getty was actually a year younger than the man-beast Bea Arthur, whose mother Getty portrayed. Why take Estelle from us? Why not take the mustachioed Bea Arthur instead? Bea is clearly the better choice: He's older, he's brutish, he has the grace of a woolly mammoth, and the stage presence of rancid tuna salad.

Despite being Emmy-nominated for SEVEN STRAIGHT YEARS of Best Supporting Actress/Comedy (winning once), Estelle didn't quite possess enough talent to prevent
Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot! from being one of the biggest box office and critical bombs of all time. The film received three Razzies, and even Sly Stallone called it the worst movie of his career, which is really saying something.

Morrigan, Heath Ledger's Pharmacist, and yes, Defending Champion and current leader Thanatos Therapeuticus all score a handsome 16 points from the passing of the diminutive star.

Bea Arthur has a penis.

Heavenly Clerical Error Dooms Former White House Spokesperson

Death is a high-volume business. Mistakes are gonna be made. So when Saint Peter yelled down, "We got an incoming celebrity--get me Snow! It's his time!" I immediately went and reaped the soul of the debonair former Bush White House Press Secretary TONY Snow. Sure--I was surprised that someone known for being a Bushie, subbing for Rush Limbaugh AND working for Fox News would be called up to heaven--but shit, I'm a contractor, so I just keep my head down and do my work.

Turns out, I effed it all up. I was supposed to reap the Canadian reggae artist Snow, who recorded the album "12 Inches of Snow" with the smash hit Informer back in the 90s. Whoopsie! Good thing TONY Snow has had a history of cancer, which made this an easy one to cover up, unlike that whole Kennedy mess back in the 60s.

I hope you can see my point, though--St. Pete said "celebrity," NOT "Super Notorious Outrageous Whiteboy!" Turns out JC wanted Snow to do his kid's bar mitzvah and now he's superpissed.

Because of my screw-up, Thanatos Therapeuticus will get a whopping 47 points, again enjoying the slow death of conservatives everywhere. The rest of us will have to just "a licky boom boom down," whatever the hell that means.