"Look, Boss!! Ze Grave! Ze Grave!"

Famed Hispanic actor Ricardo Montalban died this week. Montalban is perhaps best known for his portrayal of wishmaker Mr. Roarke on the ridiculous somebody-must-have-been-high-when-they-accepted-this ABC show "Fantasy Island." Who can forget his suave delivery: "Smiles everyone, smiles....My dear guests, I am Mr. Roarke, your host. Welcome to Fantasy Island!"

Sci-fi geeks will forever know him as the overly-chest-muscled titular villian, Khan Noonien Singh, in "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan." I don't know for sure, but I think Montalban took his last words in real life from his character: "From Hell's heart I stab at thee. For Hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee."

Charo and Barbie Benton are scheduled to "shake it for the camera" at a memorial service this weekend. The coffin will reportedly be lined with "soft Corinthian leather."

Ricardo may help The Oracle's fantasy come true, as he makes a late-season run at the title with Ricardo's 12 points!

Turning the Last Page

Bettie Page, a legendary pinup girl whose photographs in the nude, in bondage and in naughty-but-nice poses appeared in men's magazines and private stashes across America in the 1950s and set the stage for the sexual revolution of the rebellious '60s, has died. She was 85.

Morrigan attempts to tie up some of the competition by earning 15 points, hoping to pin-up the winnings when it's all over.

Dead Hand Luke

Paul Newman, the legendary movie star, irreverent cultural icon, and only successful thing to come out of Shaker Heights, Ohio, has died. He was 83.

The Oracle will probably celebrate with a light salad, some pasta, and a bowl of popcorn, and hope that the 17 points earned will, in the end, reveal the color of money.

Golden Girls Curse Kicks into High Gear

Well, I think we all saw this coming. Everyone always said the 80s sitcom The Golden Girls was cursed. And now the lead actresses are starting to--you should pardon the split infinitive--mysteriously die off.

Estelle Getty, the 84-year-old actress who played Sophia on the long-running NBC program, was the only first to die.

Rumors of a curse on the show came to the surface when the program was canceled after only its seventh season! The curse might have come because the show was shot on a sound-stage that sat atop an ancient Indian burial ground. Or maybe one of the producers opened an ancient Egyptian tomb. Both of which are pretty good explanations of where they might have found Bea Arthur.

Anyway, one Golden Girl is dead. Who will be next?

Three DW2K8ers backed the right horse (by horse, we mean Dead Golden Girl) and scored themselves a tidy 16 points.

Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot! DIE!

Picture it: Los Angeles, 2008...Lovable comedic actress Estelle Getty has passed away at the age of 84 due to some weird dementia thing that sounds made up.

Famous for her role as the elderly Sophia on the "my mom's watching it right now" series, Golden Girls, Getty was actually a year younger than the man-beast Bea Arthur, whose mother Getty portrayed. Why take Estelle from us? Why not take the mustachioed Bea Arthur instead? Bea is clearly the better choice: He's older, he's brutish, he has the grace of a woolly mammoth, and the stage presence of rancid tuna salad.

Despite being Emmy-nominated for SEVEN STRAIGHT YEARS of Best Supporting Actress/Comedy (winning once), Estelle didn't quite possess enough talent to prevent
Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot! from being one of the biggest box office and critical bombs of all time. The film received three Razzies, and even Sly Stallone called it the worst movie of his career, which is really saying something.

Morrigan, Heath Ledger's Pharmacist, and yes, Defending Champion and current leader Thanatos Therapeuticus all score a handsome 16 points from the passing of the diminutive star.

Bea Arthur has a penis.

George Carlin

George Carlin died. Heart failure. There's absolutely nothing funny that I want to say about that, 'cause he was a hero of mine and the earth is a much shittier place without him.

Instead, I'll just share a quote of Carlin's that I use all the time. He was talking about, I believe, one of the reasons why his outlook was as bleak as it was. He became quite the pessimist in his later years. Seriously.

Anyway, Carlin was of the opinion that we're--as a people--not intelligent enough to fix all the problems we cause. Here's how he put it:

"Think of how stupid the average person is. And then, realize that half of them are even dumber than that."

Jesus, I miss him already.

Nobody picked George Carlin, so there's 29 points down the crapper.

Sydney Pollack's Death Much More Popular Than Harvey Korman's

The Shadow was deeply saddened this morning to learn of the passing of comic Harvey Korman. Korman, famous for his work on The Carol Burnett Show, as well as for his classic portrayal of Hedley Lamarr in the film Blazing Saddles, died today at age 81, from complications of an aneurysm.

But players of Deathwatch 2008 were much more concerned with the death earlier in the week of director Sydney Pollack. Pollack, the occasional actor and director of such films as They Shoot Horses, Don't They?, The Electric Horseman and Tootsie, died this week at the age of 73 from cancer.

Five--count 'em--five DW2K8ers snagged a tidy 27 points from Pollack's death, while only Kerberos anticipated the passing of Mr. Korman. Which begs the question: Why the hell were you guys so certain Pollack was about to kick it?

Not a particularly funny post, so I'll close with a joke: Why did the chicken cross the road? Apparently to attend Sydney Pollack's funeral and leave Harvey Korman's corpse to molder on the sidewalk.

You Can Go Ahead and Take Away His Gun Now

Film legend Charlton Heston died today at the age of 84.

There is a great deal of confusion as to the manner of his death. According to an A.P. report, the actor was beaten to death by a group of super-intelligent apes who had caught him in a net. Another, conflicting report, from the BBC, says that he was thrown from a chariot and died from internal injuries. The New York Times has written that Mr. Heston was smothered to death by overweight documentary film-maker Michael Moore.

All news agencies have reported the same interesting request in Heston's will, which is that he wanted to be ground up and turned into a hyper-nutritional food to end world hunger.

Deathwatchers seem to have been eagerly anticipating Heston's death, as Morrigan, Wednesday, the Grim Reaper, Kerberos, Miss of Death, Rock-n-Roll Suicide and The Oracle all snagged a tidy 16 points, leaving the rest of us tied for last.

Death Round-Up (Death-Up?)

Playing a little catch-up here.

Former Senator-from-Ohio Howard Metzenbaum died on March 12 at age 90. Senator Metzenbaum was a fantastic Democratic senator in the old-school vein; y'know, back when the legislature actually tried to get shit done. The Shadow was terribly saddened to hear of the senator's passing, mostly when it was learned the the senator was not on The Shadow's death list as The Shadow had previously thought. Nobody on DW2K8 scored those sweet, sweet 10 points.


Massive geeks suffered another serious blow this week as author Arthur C. Clarke was beaten to death by a bunch of bone-wielding apes. After the earlier death of Gary Gygax, the geek world is in a state of high dudgeon, wondering who the next geek icon to fall might be. Again, no Deathwatch players anticipated Mr. Clarke's death, and so his 10 points also go unclaimed.


Acclaimed British actor Paul Scofield died this week. Mr. Scofield, whose credits include A Man for All Seasons, King Lear, Henry V and Quiz Show, was seen most recently in Rebecca Miller's film adaptation of The Crucible. He was wrinkly and British and he will be missed. Just not by any Death-Watchers, 'cause we all once again missed the boat and left his 14 points unclaimed.

Another newly-minted moldering British corpse is that of acclaimed director Anthony Minghella. Mr. Minghella, helmer of such prestigious pieces of picture-show puffery as The Talented Mr. Ripley appears to have been trying to recapture the glory of his Oscar-nominated directorial breakthrough by becoming an English Patient. His death, presumably, will not have the same box-office success. Nor will it feature Ralph Fiennes. Death Watch players have got to be incredibly saddened that we all missed the 46 points that Mr. Minghella would have brought.

Oh, and the drummer from ABBA kick-drummed the bucket, too. His name was probably Sven Hufferdenpuffer or something along those lines. He was, reportedly, the inspiration for the song "Dancing Queen." Yet again, no points for this guy. Man, we suck.

You're Gonna Need a Bigger Coffin!

Roy Schieder, the actor who played SeaQuest DSV captain shark-bait police chief Martin Brody in the Jaws series died last night at age 75.

None of the DeathWatchers 2K8 took a great-white-sized bite of Scheider's 25 points.

Farewell, old "chum."