MC Hawking (and Mankind) Finally Gets His (Their) Wish!

Nerdcore hip-hop artist MC Hawking once 'sang,' "Why Won't Jesse Helms Just Hurry Up and Die?" Well, thankfully for Hawking and all of mankind, Helms did just that over the recent holiday weekend. Helms' "natural causes" death at age 86 was drawn out over several years, but still wasn't as painful as many had hoped. In this case, we haters will take what we can get.

Jesse Alexander Helms, Jr. was a career shitpiece, making a living being a blatantly racist and homophobic mouthpiece for an insecure and under-educated constituency. In times of trouble and controversy, Helms hid behind the robes of his imaginary friend Jesus for protection. All manner of sin is justifiable in the name of the white heterosexual Creator who made us, Helms apparently thought. While posturing as an American patriot, Helms simultaneously tried to crush the rights of minority groups of all kinds, which is why if one were to Google "WORST PEOPLE OF ALL TIME," one would find this asshole's name on the list.

Let's go through his résumé:
*Tirelessly promoted tobacco: check--OK, no big deal.
*Opposed Martin Luther King Day: check.
*Made unmistakably racist statements in public for decades: check
*Ran campaigns that basically said "vote for me if you hate blacks and gays!": CHECK
*Opposed AIDS research multiple times: check. (how else are you supposed to get rid of gays?)
*Supported racial segregation: check! those people don't actually need to live/work/eat/sleep near us, do they?
*Supported prayer in schools: you need to get your pray on--you know--to pray for strength to commit future racist acts!

For those not convinced that Jesse Helms is the unflushable log that is clogging the crapper of humanity, please consider this: Jerry Falwell liked him, and liked him enough to name Liberty University's School of Government after him. On the bright side, at least Falwell should be able to get Helms a seat for the regular Thursday night poker game with Hitler, Mao, and Waldheim.

Rock-n-Roll Suicide, Morrigan, and Deady Money will bask in the magnificence of this evil bastard's death along with social avenger and 2007 Champion Thanatos Therapeuticus. TT is living the dream, and actually making money from the deaths of the people he hates!

Death Round-Up (Death-Up?)

Playing a little catch-up here.

Former Senator-from-Ohio Howard Metzenbaum died on March 12 at age 90. Senator Metzenbaum was a fantastic Democratic senator in the old-school vein; y'know, back when the legislature actually tried to get shit done. The Shadow was terribly saddened to hear of the senator's passing, mostly when it was learned the the senator was not on The Shadow's death list as The Shadow had previously thought. Nobody on DW2K8 scored those sweet, sweet 10 points.


Massive geeks suffered another serious blow this week as author Arthur C. Clarke was beaten to death by a bunch of bone-wielding apes. After the earlier death of Gary Gygax, the geek world is in a state of high dudgeon, wondering who the next geek icon to fall might be. Again, no Deathwatch players anticipated Mr. Clarke's death, and so his 10 points also go unclaimed.


Acclaimed British actor Paul Scofield died this week. Mr. Scofield, whose credits include A Man for All Seasons, King Lear, Henry V and Quiz Show, was seen most recently in Rebecca Miller's film adaptation of The Crucible. He was wrinkly and British and he will be missed. Just not by any Death-Watchers, 'cause we all once again missed the boat and left his 14 points unclaimed.

Another newly-minted moldering British corpse is that of acclaimed director Anthony Minghella. Mr. Minghella, helmer of such prestigious pieces of picture-show puffery as The Talented Mr. Ripley appears to have been trying to recapture the glory of his Oscar-nominated directorial breakthrough by becoming an English Patient. His death, presumably, will not have the same box-office success. Nor will it feature Ralph Fiennes. Death Watch players have got to be incredibly saddened that we all missed the 46 points that Mr. Minghella would have brought.

Oh, and the drummer from ABBA kick-drummed the bucket, too. His name was probably Sven Hufferdenpuffer or something along those lines. He was, reportedly, the inspiration for the song "Dancing Queen." Yet again, no points for this guy. Man, we suck.