Heavenly Clerical Error Dooms Former White House Spokesperson

Death is a high-volume business. Mistakes are gonna be made. So when Saint Peter yelled down, "We got an incoming celebrity--get me Snow! It's his time!" I immediately went and reaped the soul of the debonair former Bush White House Press Secretary TONY Snow. Sure--I was surprised that someone known for being a Bushie, subbing for Rush Limbaugh AND working for Fox News would be called up to heaven--but shit, I'm a contractor, so I just keep my head down and do my work.

Turns out, I effed it all up. I was supposed to reap the Canadian reggae artist Snow, who recorded the album "12 Inches of Snow" with the smash hit Informer back in the 90s. Whoopsie! Good thing TONY Snow has had a history of cancer, which made this an easy one to cover up, unlike that whole Kennedy mess back in the 60s.

I hope you can see my point, though--St. Pete said "celebrity," NOT "Super Notorious Outrageous Whiteboy!" Turns out JC wanted Snow to do his kid's bar mitzvah and now he's superpissed.

Because of my screw-up, Thanatos Therapeuticus will get a whopping 47 points, again enjoying the slow death of conservatives everywhere. The rest of us will have to just "a licky boom boom down," whatever the hell that means.

MC Hawking (and Mankind) Finally Gets His (Their) Wish!

Nerdcore hip-hop artist MC Hawking once 'sang,' "Why Won't Jesse Helms Just Hurry Up and Die?" Well, thankfully for Hawking and all of mankind, Helms did just that over the recent holiday weekend. Helms' "natural causes" death at age 86 was drawn out over several years, but still wasn't as painful as many had hoped. In this case, we haters will take what we can get.

Jesse Alexander Helms, Jr. was a career shitpiece, making a living being a blatantly racist and homophobic mouthpiece for an insecure and under-educated constituency. In times of trouble and controversy, Helms hid behind the robes of his imaginary friend Jesus for protection. All manner of sin is justifiable in the name of the white heterosexual Creator who made us, Helms apparently thought. While posturing as an American patriot, Helms simultaneously tried to crush the rights of minority groups of all kinds, which is why if one were to Google "WORST PEOPLE OF ALL TIME," one would find this asshole's name on the list.

Let's go through his résumé:
*Tirelessly promoted tobacco: check--OK, no big deal.
*Opposed Martin Luther King Day: check.
*Made unmistakably racist statements in public for decades: check
*Ran campaigns that basically said "vote for me if you hate blacks and gays!": CHECK
*Opposed AIDS research multiple times: check. (how else are you supposed to get rid of gays?)
*Supported racial segregation: check! those people don't actually need to live/work/eat/sleep near us, do they?
*Supported prayer in schools: you need to get your pray on--you know--to pray for strength to commit future racist acts!

For those not convinced that Jesse Helms is the unflushable log that is clogging the crapper of humanity, please consider this: Jerry Falwell liked him, and liked him enough to name Liberty University's School of Government after him. On the bright side, at least Falwell should be able to get Helms a seat for the regular Thursday night poker game with Hitler, Mao, and Waldheim.

Rock-n-Roll Suicide, Morrigan, and Deady Money will bask in the magnificence of this evil bastard's death along with social avenger and 2007 Champion Thanatos Therapeuticus. TT is living the dream, and actually making money from the deaths of the people he hates!

You Can Go Ahead and Take Away His Gun Now

Film legend Charlton Heston died today at the age of 84.

There is a great deal of confusion as to the manner of his death. According to an A.P. report, the actor was beaten to death by a group of super-intelligent apes who had caught him in a net. Another, conflicting report, from the BBC, says that he was thrown from a chariot and died from internal injuries. The New York Times has written that Mr. Heston was smothered to death by overweight documentary film-maker Michael Moore.

All news agencies have reported the same interesting request in Heston's will, which is that he wanted to be ground up and turned into a hyper-nutritional food to end world hunger.

Deathwatchers seem to have been eagerly anticipating Heston's death, as Morrigan, Wednesday, the Grim Reaper, Kerberos, Miss of Death, Rock-n-Roll Suicide and The Oracle all snagged a tidy 16 points, leaving the rest of us tied for last.

Buckley Killed By Stick Up His Ass

Conservative author William F. Buckley died today. Over the course of his 82 years, Mr. Buckley founded the right-wing magazine National Review, hosted the television conversation show Firing Line and spent much of his spare time smacking small children for kicks.

Buckley's doctors told the Associated Press this morning that Buckley was killed when a large chunk of wood from the stick he'd had shoved up his ass for the past sixty years finally broke free and lodged itself in his brain.

Years after his real cultural relevancy had faded, Americans still had reason to loathe Buckley, in that he gave Robin Williams a handy impression to do whenever Williams wanted to portray an uptight conservative.

Mr. Buckley will be missed by the same kind of people who wept openly after learning of Ronald Reagan's Alzheimer's diagnosis.

No DW2K8 players chose Mister Buckley, which does not necessarily mean that any of them wanted him to stick around the planet.