Samuel L. Jackson's Demise to Complete Karmic Cleansing of "Soul Men" Deaths

Bernie Mac died of "pneumonia" on Saturday morning. Isaac Hayes keeled over of an apparent "heart attack" on Sunday. Samuel L. Jackson knows better. Fueled by an unshakable paranoia that he developed while shooting "Snakes on a Plane," Jackson knows that his death will come on Monday, August 11th.

Mac, Hayes and Jackson all star together in the upcoming abysmally bad movie "Soul Men," which is why, Jackson claims, they have all been marked for death.

"It's kinda like that 'Final Destination' bullshit," Jackson said while nervously pulling on a twitching cigarette and scanning the room, "I know that fuckin' reaper is coming, and there ain't nothin' I can do to stop it! I shoulda listened when my agent told me not to do this shitty movie with these guys. I figured a Razzie nomination or two, but not a complete Karmic Retribution."

None of the DW2K8ers have any of the trio of Soul Men, even the still-alive-for-now Jackson. Hundreds of points go unclaimed, and speculation as to why Steven Segal, Yahoo Serious and Frank Stallone are still alive continues.

Golden Girls Curse Kicks into High Gear

Well, I think we all saw this coming. Everyone always said the 80s sitcom The Golden Girls was cursed. And now the lead actresses are starting to--you should pardon the split infinitive--mysteriously die off.

Estelle Getty, the 84-year-old actress who played Sophia on the long-running NBC program, was the only first to die.

Rumors of a curse on the show came to the surface when the program was canceled after only its seventh season! The curse might have come because the show was shot on a sound-stage that sat atop an ancient Indian burial ground. Or maybe one of the producers opened an ancient Egyptian tomb. Both of which are pretty good explanations of where they might have found Bea Arthur.

Anyway, one Golden Girl is dead. Who will be next?

Three DW2K8ers backed the right horse (by horse, we mean Dead Golden Girl) and scored themselves a tidy 16 points.

Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot! DIE!

Picture it: Los Angeles, 2008...Lovable comedic actress Estelle Getty has passed away at the age of 84 due to some weird dementia thing that sounds made up.

Famous for her role as the elderly Sophia on the "my mom's watching it right now" series, Golden Girls, Getty was actually a year younger than the man-beast Bea Arthur, whose mother Getty portrayed. Why take Estelle from us? Why not take the mustachioed Bea Arthur instead? Bea is clearly the better choice: He's older, he's brutish, he has the grace of a woolly mammoth, and the stage presence of rancid tuna salad.

Despite being Emmy-nominated for SEVEN STRAIGHT YEARS of Best Supporting Actress/Comedy (winning once), Estelle didn't quite possess enough talent to prevent
Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot! from being one of the biggest box office and critical bombs of all time. The film received three Razzies, and even Sly Stallone called it the worst movie of his career, which is really saying something.

Morrigan, Heath Ledger's Pharmacist, and yes, Defending Champion and current leader Thanatos Therapeuticus all score a handsome 16 points from the passing of the diminutive star.

Bea Arthur has a penis.

Heavenly Clerical Error Dooms Former White House Spokesperson

Death is a high-volume business. Mistakes are gonna be made. So when Saint Peter yelled down, "We got an incoming celebrity--get me Snow! It's his time!" I immediately went and reaped the soul of the debonair former Bush White House Press Secretary TONY Snow. Sure--I was surprised that someone known for being a Bushie, subbing for Rush Limbaugh AND working for Fox News would be called up to heaven--but shit, I'm a contractor, so I just keep my head down and do my work.

Turns out, I effed it all up. I was supposed to reap the Canadian reggae artist Snow, who recorded the album "12 Inches of Snow" with the smash hit Informer back in the 90s. Whoopsie! Good thing TONY Snow has had a history of cancer, which made this an easy one to cover up, unlike that whole Kennedy mess back in the 60s.

I hope you can see my point, though--St. Pete said "celebrity," NOT "Super Notorious Outrageous Whiteboy!" Turns out JC wanted Snow to do his kid's bar mitzvah and now he's superpissed.

Because of my screw-up, Thanatos Therapeuticus will get a whopping 47 points, again enjoying the slow death of conservatives everywhere. The rest of us will have to just "a licky boom boom down," whatever the hell that means.

MC Hawking (and Mankind) Finally Gets His (Their) Wish!

Nerdcore hip-hop artist MC Hawking once 'sang,' "Why Won't Jesse Helms Just Hurry Up and Die?" Well, thankfully for Hawking and all of mankind, Helms did just that over the recent holiday weekend. Helms' "natural causes" death at age 86 was drawn out over several years, but still wasn't as painful as many had hoped. In this case, we haters will take what we can get.

Jesse Alexander Helms, Jr. was a career shitpiece, making a living being a blatantly racist and homophobic mouthpiece for an insecure and under-educated constituency. In times of trouble and controversy, Helms hid behind the robes of his imaginary friend Jesus for protection. All manner of sin is justifiable in the name of the white heterosexual Creator who made us, Helms apparently thought. While posturing as an American patriot, Helms simultaneously tried to crush the rights of minority groups of all kinds, which is why if one were to Google "WORST PEOPLE OF ALL TIME," one would find this asshole's name on the list.

Let's go through his résumé:
*Tirelessly promoted tobacco: check--OK, no big deal.
*Opposed Martin Luther King Day: check.
*Made unmistakably racist statements in public for decades: check
*Ran campaigns that basically said "vote for me if you hate blacks and gays!": CHECK
*Opposed AIDS research multiple times: check. (how else are you supposed to get rid of gays?)
*Supported racial segregation: check! those people don't actually need to live/work/eat/sleep near us, do they?
*Supported prayer in schools: you need to get your pray on--you know--to pray for strength to commit future racist acts!

For those not convinced that Jesse Helms is the unflushable log that is clogging the crapper of humanity, please consider this: Jerry Falwell liked him, and liked him enough to name Liberty University's School of Government after him. On the bright side, at least Falwell should be able to get Helms a seat for the regular Thursday night poker game with Hitler, Mao, and Waldheim.

Rock-n-Roll Suicide, Morrigan, and Deady Money will bask in the magnificence of this evil bastard's death along with social avenger and 2007 Champion Thanatos Therapeuticus. TT is living the dream, and actually making money from the deaths of the people he hates!

George Carlin

George Carlin died. Heart failure. There's absolutely nothing funny that I want to say about that, 'cause he was a hero of mine and the earth is a much shittier place without him.

Instead, I'll just share a quote of Carlin's that I use all the time. He was talking about, I believe, one of the reasons why his outlook was as bleak as it was. He became quite the pessimist in his later years. Seriously.

Anyway, Carlin was of the opinion that we're--as a people--not intelligent enough to fix all the problems we cause. Here's how he put it:

"Think of how stupid the average person is. And then, realize that half of them are even dumber than that."

Jesus, I miss him already.

Nobody picked George Carlin, so there's 29 points down the crapper.

Stan Winston's Death Not Nearly as Cool-Looking as It Should Have Been

Special-effects wizard Stan Winston died this week at the age of 62. I don't know, man, I guess I was hoping he'd kick in some massive explosion or something. Or, like, maybe a swarm of insects would, like, swoop down around his body and devour him, leaving behind a pile of dust. Maybe he could have been sitting in his living room or something and then this, like, sentient tree comes busting through the wall and wraps its limbs around him and just rips him apart.

I mean, something!

But no. The dude behind the special effects in Aliens and Jurassic Park just sort of lies there and dies from cancer. And if that's not lame enough, nobody picked him, so nobody scores.

Whatever, man.