Nerdcore hip-hop artist MC Hawking once 'sang,' "Why Won't Jesse Helms Just Hurry Up and Die?" Well, thankfully for Hawking and all of mankind, Helms did just that over the recent holiday weekend. Helms' "natural causes" death at age 86 was drawn out over several years, but still wasn't as painful as many had hoped. In this case, we haters will take what we can get.
Jesse Alexander Helms, Jr. was a career shitpiece, making a living being a blatantly racist and homophobic mouthpiece for an insecure and under-educated constituency. In times of trouble and controversy, Helms hid behind the robes of his imaginary friend Jesus for protection. All manner of sin is justifiable in the name of the white heterosexual Creator who made us, Helms apparently thought. While posturing as an American patriot, Helms simultaneously tried to crush the rights of minority groups of all kinds, which is why if one were to Google "WORST PEOPLE OF ALL TIME," one would find this asshole's name on the list.
Let's go through his résumé:
*Tirelessly promoted tobacco: check--OK, no big deal.
*Opposed Martin Luther King Day: check.
*Made unmistakably racist statements in public for decades: check
*Ran campaigns that basically said "vote for me if you hate blacks and gays!": CHECK
*Opposed AIDS research multiple times: check. (how else are you supposed to get rid of gays?)
*Supported racial segregation: check! those people don't actually need to live/work/eat/sleep near us, do they?
*Supported prayer in schools: you need to get your pray on--you know--to pray for strength to commit future racist acts!
For those not convinced that Jesse Helms is the unflushable log that is clogging the crapper of humanity, please consider this: Jerry Falwell liked him, and liked him enough to name Liberty University's School of Government after him. On the bright side, at least Falwell should be able to get Helms a seat for the regular Thursday night poker game with Hitler, Mao, and Waldheim.
Rock-n-Roll Suicide, Morrigan, and Deady Money will bask in the magnificence of this evil bastard's death along with social avenger and 2007 Champion Thanatos Therapeuticus. TT is living the dream, and actually making money from the deaths of the people he hates!
1 comment:
Well.. I don't hate ALL the people on my list! I hope I'm wrong about Elizabeth Edwards, Barack Obama or from last year's list (where I got Jerry Falwell--A proud moment for sure!) but I didn't hate Tammy Faye Messner (who despite her 700 Club past, DID manage to show us that she really DID believe in Jesus/God by showing grace in death and refusing to condemn gays and AIDS patients when JF and JH were having a field day picking on the dying--which makes her much more respectable than Rev. F ever thought he could be.
As for Mr. Helms, Bono might play at his funeral...but that doesn't mean he isn't an evil creature...
Btw... Tony Snow (who whilst not nearly as delusional or rabid as his fellow Foxperts nonetheless promulgated the Bush Agenda & the myth of the "Liberal" media. Anyone who has EVER studied broadcast journalism will tell you that these people are much more concerned with their hair and getting drunk than understanding how to pronounce Vladivostock or "Gorbachev" to take anything but the viewpoint that requires the least brainwave activity.
Oddly tho the Snowman was kinda cute and I'll miss fantasizing about his visit to the local gay leather bars. :)
Thanatos Therapeuticus
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