MC Hawking (and Mankind) Finally Gets His (Their) Wish!

Nerdcore hip-hop artist MC Hawking once 'sang,' "Why Won't Jesse Helms Just Hurry Up and Die?" Well, thankfully for Hawking and all of mankind, Helms did just that over the recent holiday weekend. Helms' "natural causes" death at age 86 was drawn out over several years, but still wasn't as painful as many had hoped. In this case, we haters will take what we can get.

Jesse Alexander Helms, Jr. was a career shitpiece, making a living being a blatantly racist and homophobic mouthpiece for an insecure and under-educated constituency. In times of trouble and controversy, Helms hid behind the robes of his imaginary friend Jesus for protection. All manner of sin is justifiable in the name of the white heterosexual Creator who made us, Helms apparently thought. While posturing as an American patriot, Helms simultaneously tried to crush the rights of minority groups of all kinds, which is why if one were to Google "WORST PEOPLE OF ALL TIME," one would find this asshole's name on the list.

Let's go through his résumé:
*Tirelessly promoted tobacco: check--OK, no big deal.
*Opposed Martin Luther King Day: check.
*Made unmistakably racist statements in public for decades: check
*Ran campaigns that basically said "vote for me if you hate blacks and gays!": CHECK
*Opposed AIDS research multiple times: check. (how else are you supposed to get rid of gays?)
*Supported racial segregation: check! those people don't actually need to live/work/eat/sleep near us, do they?
*Supported prayer in schools: you need to get your pray on--you know--to pray for strength to commit future racist acts!

For those not convinced that Jesse Helms is the unflushable log that is clogging the crapper of humanity, please consider this: Jerry Falwell liked him, and liked him enough to name Liberty University's School of Government after him. On the bright side, at least Falwell should be able to get Helms a seat for the regular Thursday night poker game with Hitler, Mao, and Waldheim.

Rock-n-Roll Suicide, Morrigan, and Deady Money will bask in the magnificence of this evil bastard's death along with social avenger and 2007 Champion Thanatos Therapeuticus. TT is living the dream, and actually making money from the deaths of the people he hates!

George Carlin

George Carlin died. Heart failure. There's absolutely nothing funny that I want to say about that, 'cause he was a hero of mine and the earth is a much shittier place without him.

Instead, I'll just share a quote of Carlin's that I use all the time. He was talking about, I believe, one of the reasons why his outlook was as bleak as it was. He became quite the pessimist in his later years. Seriously.

Anyway, Carlin was of the opinion that we're--as a people--not intelligent enough to fix all the problems we cause. Here's how he put it:

"Think of how stupid the average person is. And then, realize that half of them are even dumber than that."

Jesus, I miss him already.

Nobody picked George Carlin, so there's 29 points down the crapper.

Stan Winston's Death Not Nearly as Cool-Looking as It Should Have Been

Special-effects wizard Stan Winston died this week at the age of 62. I don't know, man, I guess I was hoping he'd kick in some massive explosion or something. Or, like, maybe a swarm of insects would, like, swoop down around his body and devour him, leaving behind a pile of dust. Maybe he could have been sitting in his living room or something and then this, like, sentient tree comes busting through the wall and wraps its limbs around him and just rips him apart.

I mean, something!

But no. The dude behind the special effects in Aliens and Jurassic Park just sort of lies there and dies from cancer. And if that's not lame enough, nobody picked him, so nobody scores.

Whatever, man.

Chubby Irish Guy Has Heart Attack (Shocking!)

Veteran NBC newsman Tim Russert, the longest serving host of the Peacock Network's Meet the Press, died unexpectedly on Friday of a massive coronary.

No DW2K8 players had pegged Russert as an immediately potential corpse, so his 42 points are as useless as an endorsement from George W. Bush. (A bit of political humor in memory of Mr. Russert.)

Jim McKay's Lifeless Corpse Still Intends to Host the Beijing Olympics

Veteran sportscaster Jim McKay suffered the agony of defeat this week, in as far as he utterly failed to not die. McKay, who rose above mere sportscasting and became a broadcasting legend with his coverage of the disastrous 1972 Munich Olympics hostage crisis, died this week of natural causes.

McKay became synonymous with broadcasts of the Olympics, covering the event for ABC every four years, starting with the first Olympics games in 1088 B.C.

He also hosted the long-running ABC sports showcase Wide World of Sports, without which many Americans would never have witnessed the glory of Competitive Lumberjacking.

No DW2K8ers experienced the thrill of victory by choosing McKay, so his 14 points will go unclaimed.

Bo Diddley's Death to be Ripped Off by Old White Musician

Pioneering blues musician Bo Diddley died of heart failure this week at the age of 79.

Mr. Diddley was an innovative guitar player whose style was so unique that he actually had a rhythm named after him. His Mississippi-honed rhythm guitar helped pave the way for the rise of rock and roll.

Immediately after his untimely passing, Pat Boone announced that he intended to have a stroke, followed by a heart attack, and that he would also die at 79, but that he'd make a lot more money off of it because he's more acceptable to a white audience.

The Crippler scores 21 points, thanks to Mr. Diddley.

Fashionably Dead

Legendary clothing designer Yves Saint-Laurent died this week at the age of 71. Mssr. Saint-Laurent was a pioneer in the field of ready-to-wear clothing whose monogram became synonymous with high-end fashion.

In a cruel twist of fate, the coffin chosen by Saint-Laurent's family turned out to be a Chinese black market knock-off that someone had purchased on the sidewalk in the Village.

No DW2K8ers had the fashion sense to choose Saint-Laurent, and so his 29 points go unclaimed.